Gracious, how time flies when you’re having fun. Here it is the middle of October already. The snowbirds will be descending on us momentarily. There’s no doubt but they will bring with them lots of Newbies. I don’t have anything against Newbies in particular, it’s just that they are Newbies, and as such, don’t know much of anything. I’m sure they will all flock to Spanish lessons, go exploring after they “settle in”, observe things beyond their comprehension and pontificate about what they think those things are and why they are occurring, and most of all, they’ll be wired.
I was a Newbie once and understand the phenomenon, to be sure. I may have even been more obnoxious. Ok, so I’m still obnoxious, but after all these years I’m now more nearly-mellow when I’m obnoxious. The Newbies who are about to descend on us aren’t any worse than I was, but they still need desperately to mellow out. The problem is that they don’t know that, yet. It’s going to take a year or so before they even begin to suspect. Poor kids. Well, you all know what a civic-minded putz I am, so I hereby offer Uncle Tom’s list of suggestions we old timers can offer to shorten the Newbie learning curve. To be most effective these suggestions should be made in obtuse language preferably while having a doughnut or a cocktail.
SPANISH LESSONS: “Don’t go if you aren’t going to get out and practice with native Spanish language speakers.” It will be a waste of money although they will continue to delight the locals with their insistent use of gender imperfect nouns. You could tell them about the famous old dogs and new tricks if they are dead set on going anyway. You should explain that English speakers have a genetic condition which prevents them from ever trilling an “R”. They certainly need to understand about the complexities of Spanish verb conjugations. Tell them that the best way to conjugate any verb is to speak in present tense and if anyone should fail to understand to say it LOUDER. You might also mention that Pidgin English is a surefire way of getting any complex idea across, especially when it comes to that funny noise the car is making.
EXPLORING: You would be remiss if you don’t explain that the best places to visit are places where English is spoken. Since English is not widely used here in Mexico, you should encourage them to stay in Ajijic. You will most likely encounter a few hard heads who will insist on getting off the beaten track. Clearly the best way for them to visit out-of-the-way places is to go on a tour bus, but there will be some who will want to do it themselves. You should explain to these hardheads that they should never go into a town unless the highway also goes into the town. We wouldn’t want them to be making friends just anywhere, now would we? Tell them to stick to the tourist destinations. They will thank you later, when they are older and wiser.
OBSERVING: This one is very simple. Tell them that everything they see, hear, feel, or touch is exactly the same as it is back home. That way they won’t lose time trying to figure anything out. It might be helpful to also tell them that everything they ever heard about Mexico is true. You may opt to add that they can surely change anything they don’t like. All they need do is sue. If that should fail, they can always go down to the Presidencia and complain.
BEING WIRED: Don’t waste your time. They simply aren’t going to believe that they are wired. They have always been the way they are and they damn sure aren’t going to want to change. They will explain that they have always liked the food they like, the clothes they like, the cars they like and they like who they are. They will probably think that being on time is a social grace, that calling first is a prerequisite to a visit. They will want to explain who they were and how important that was, and schedule their time weeks in advance in an agenda for the love of God, so butt out.
Of course you could just let them mingle amongst themselves then check back in a few years.
