A few years back, when I was practicing Law, my firm received the following letter from an aspiring Clarence Darrow. We had no opening at the time, but made haste to interview so unusual and accomplished an applicant, if only to watch him walk on the ceiling.
Dear Sirs,
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot a bicycle up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and a fugitive when in Peru. I have four Law degrees, one post-graduate degree in Slavic tongues and an honorary doctorate in Genetic Engineering.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Yankees. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my backyard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. One day a week, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie. Critics the world over swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Last summer I toured southern Iowa with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children and small dogs trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with uncanny accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room before nightfall. I know the exact location of every item in the stores of four supermarket chains. I have performed covert operations for the CIA and CNN. I sleep once a week and when I do, I sleep in a chair. While on a winter vacation in Finland, I successfully negotiated with a group of Mongolian terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but was too preoccupied to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Moulinex and a toaster oven. I can cook Kraft Dinner 137 different ways. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees in the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet and have performed open-heart surgery at sea. I have spoken with Elvis.
I have been hampered in my endeavors by my excessive humility, which I trust you will overlook. Should you feel that you are in a position to offer me an immediate full partnership with a seat on your executive committee, it will be my pleasure to give it careful thought. Meanwhile, to assure myself of a modest income, I will continue with my translation of the federal statutes of the United States into Swahili. Sincerely yours, A. N. Other
Although not offered an immediate partnership, Mr. Other nonetheless accepted the supernumerary position of Counselor-in-Training, a position which he holds to this day. Unfortunately, his pressing personal commitments have so far prevented his arrival at the firm's offices.
