We've all heard of the "brain drain." Here at Lakeside, we seem to be suffering from a "Granny Drain." Too many good friends have left simply because, "Grandma misses her grandkids." Just the other day we met one of our best friends. He looked as though he had been enjoying a "happy hour" that had become a "happy week."
"We're selling the, hic, house," he mumbled.
"How come Joe?" (I call every Tom, Dick and Harry, Joe. Saves a lot of brain cells for important things like my home phone number.)
"It's Penelope, (that's a name I do remember) She misses our grandchildren."
All the rest of the day, I kept searching for a solution, how to keep Paul, (see, I do really know his name) and Penny from leaving us.
Early the next morning, I sat up in bed. "Eureka." I shouted.
"It's Wednesday, dummy," my wife said. "She doesn't work today. Besides her name is Erika, not Eureka." Then she turned over and went back to sleep.
Since I had no one else to talk to, I dashed to the computer to get my idea down on (I was about to say on paper, when I realized that the words were going into something called "memory." Well, better its than mine. The paper will come later.)
That morning I called my friend "Pepe Propina," ace financial reporter for the Colony Reporter and part-time car-washer. "Oswaldo," (that's his real name), "you know all the rich Mexicans at Lakeside. I have a great idea that will make a lot of money."
"How much will I get?" he interrupted.
"Just listen," I said. Then I explained the problem.
"We must form Grieving Grannies Anonymous." All the grandmothers who miss their grandchildren will be able to meet, exchange pictures of the grandkids and brag about them to each other."
"How will that make money?" Pepe asked.
"It will not make much, just dues, but it will keep them happy while we form the "Rent a Kid Company." We'll advertise, "Lease a Kid, Long or Short-term. It's Cheaper than Plane Fare." We can offer children by the hour, by the day or by the week, long or short term. We can offer weekend specials. We will pay the parents of the children a few pesos but remember, they will have free "Babysitters." Our slogan will be "Grieve No More, You Grannies, Grieve No More Today." I know, I stole that from "My Old Kentucky Home" but I'm sure Stephen Foster's heirs won't sue. The song hasn't been a hit for years.
I did not hear from Pepe for a week. When he called, he sounded sad. "Senor," he said, " There are plenty of children available; the parents are willing and I have people who will finance everything, but..." his voice faded.
"What is the problem?" I asked.
"It's the Mexican grandmothers. They will be jealous and unhappy because they will have nothing to do."
My brain started to spin. "No problema. We will form another group called "Abuelas Anonimas". They can meet with the "Grieving Grannies," and brag about their own grandkids. Maybe bring along the children who are available for rental. Also, they can earn a fee for delivering and picking up the "rental kids." Maybe hang around and teach the kid-renters some Spanish at a slight additional charge. When I said "earn a fee" and "extra charge" Pepe interrupted. " Si, Si."
But will the "Gringo Grannies" not be upset by a second grandmother being around?" Pepe asked.
"Oh no, Pepe, Some of our grandmothers share their grandchildren with four or even six other grandmothers. Their children have re-married many times.
So, cheer up, "Grannies." Soon you will be able to do all the things you miss, like wiping running noses, cleaning up food spills and taking temperatures. Maybe even changing a diaper now and then. Best of all, you won't have your own children handing out ten pages of instructions when they leave you in charge.
That's where things stand now. Of course there will be some tough negotiations ahead about fees. We have already run into demands for higher charges for boys. Personally, we think the demand for girls will be higher, so we're giving in on this, but we're digging in our heels on the demand from Hacienda that we charge IVA. We're leaving all the negotiations up to Pepe. Who knows how to haggle better than a car-washer? Keep watching these pages for more news.
